Fuck ups.

She is Nothing but a character, Outlined by the Lonesome Type

People fuck up. The world is made of fuck ups, though we might not know it. It is important for us to come to the realization that we are fuck ups, but also to realize that we must try our best not to be. Throughout the course of this year I have met many fuck ups. Those who get kicked out of school for idiotic substance abuse in the parking lot to those who just plainly stop talking to you to those who don’t have the balls to be honest. I have even met myself as a fuck up many times this school year, such as my reactions to all of the above.

            I have gone to this school for ten years now, along with roughly five other students. I am only actually close to one of those students, and even then I feel like I know almost nothing about her. One of those students I hadn’t even had a full conversation with until this year. Another one of those students I am only friends with because of the fact that we are both gay. These for the most part are not substantial relationships in any means, but more of protective ones. When one of those students got expelled for drugs in the parking lot the first thing I thought, and I know its not very considerate, is that it happened sooner than I thought it would. Looking back now I realize that I was frustrated with her rather than being sad for her or being a support to her. She was always the most popular in school, and her parents were very supportive with everything she did along with everybody else as it seemed. To me it seemed selfish that she would do such a thing. It’s like cheering and supporting your favorite athlete for ten years and then having that athlete be high during a match or game or what have you and then they get kicked out of the organization. She fucked up, but so did I.

            During winter break I met somebody. A seemingly nice, honest, elfish looking, smoking boy. He ended up ignoring me. It still feels like shit. I am not used to people not liking me for no reason. I don’t care what the reason is or even if they like me or not, but I feel the need to know why. With this, I only liked him more. Which I personally feel is an unhealthy trait in my character. I seem to only like and appreciate those who don’t seem to like and appreciate me. I am honestly not mad at him for ignoring me, I have done it many times to other people before; I feel that maybe I deserved it. A taste of my own medicine, if I am allowed to interject a cliché. He is still a nice boy, and though he may feel it makes things better to ignore rather than to confront as I did before, it does not. It has only made me paranoid on the thoughts in which he has concluded on and shared about me.

            I have an active imagination on how things should play out. So when I turn that off I tend not to care on where things go. This including my most recent relationship. After being ignored for a while I feel as if I was just ready to do whatever with whomever. Though we saw each other for around two or three months, and dated for exactly one, I don’t honestly think I ever truly liked him. He was tall and had shit taste in music. While knowing it was going to end I still did not like getting a phone call at midnight saying that he never felt comfortable with me, and felt that he couldn’t talk to me, and that he didn’t think i cared. That was a week ago. Seeing him last night on a date with another guy was worse. I felt like throwing up. Whether it’s true or not, I feel that if he were just honest and broke up with me earlier I would have been happier. He is nice, but spineless. He never had the balls to own up to anything thing he felt. He fucked up, but so did I in letting myself get into a relationship I never cared deeply about in the first place.

            We have all fucked up. Including you, whoever is reading this. These are all examples of how I have met people who have fucked up, and how my actions and reactions are nothing to be praised upon. People can fuck their shit up as much as humanly possible and have it seem to be okay, as long as they accept that they have and are willing to learn from it in the future. This is the lesson I learned this year.